Rock 'n Roll is the devil

One of the only positive aspects of an 80-mile daily work commute is that it affords one time to think. About anything and everything. Yet, when one reaches the year mark, anything and everything starts to run a little thin. Now, you know that I think about loads of crazy shit--and very seriously, too. Even so, there is only so much time a reasonable person can commit to the contemplation of extraterrestrial life forms, desirable super powers, time travel, cannibalism, catastrophic volcano eruptions.... You get the point. As a result, I have lately turned my thoughts to the song lyrics I hear on the pop radio stations. And, I have to admit, I'm disturbed. You read the list of topics above, so you know that's saying something.

What, pray tell, is the fascination with this Nicki Minaj character? Just because the words "vindication" and "syndication" sound cool and rhyme does not mean they make any kind of sense when slapped together in a lyric. "Umpire" and "vampire" don't work so well together, either. This is the problem with modern rap: it's just a bunch of random rhyming. To quote the ever-controversial yet brilliant Eminem, "I'm about to lose my mind / You've been gone for so long ... Call me a doctor." And, just like Eminem, I mean the doctor: Dr. Dre. That man knows what true rap should be; he gets "funky on the mic like a old batch of collard greens." Nicki Minaj? Not so much. She does have a sense of irony, though. Take, for example, the way she sings the following:

I wish that I could have this moment for life, for life, for life
'Cause in this moment, I just feel so alive, alive, alive

She attempts to convey animation while singing in a completely expressionless monotone. The lady doth protest too much, methinks. I would go so far as to say that she sounds like nothing so much as a glitchy robot, based on the way she skips like a scratched CD at the end of each line. No vocal inflection. Nada! Kinda reminds me of when someone programmed Mom's computer to say, "Oh, balls, balls, balls."

Honestly, though, I would listen to Nicki Minaj all day before I would subject my fragile psyche to the horrors of Katy Perry. I'll admit, I originally found her song "E.T." quite catchy. And then I started in with that pesky thinking again, and I realized that, according to good old Katy, nothing says I love you like a song full of violent imagery. Allow me to point out a couple of my favorites:

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction

My translation:
Hey, let's go on a date. I could really go for some kidnapping and assault.

Stun me with your lasers

I don't even know what to say about this. I'm at a complete loss.

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

My translation:
And while we're at it, it's been quite some time since I've contracted an STD. I sure hope you're packin'. If not, roofies are always a good alternative.

Oh, that Katy. Such a romantic. A real class act! Seriously, though, this kind of language is giving kids the wrong idea. And how about that Rihanna?

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

Hmm. This is a somewhat puzzling message, considering this very songstress was recently beaten and nearly choked to death by her boyfriend. And who could forget that heartbreaking television appearance during which she condemned domestic violence? I don't mean to point fingers, but ... hypocrite of the century. Right here. If it's so wrong, Rihanna, don't sing a song about how much you love it. Duh!

It's almost as alarming as that Elvis Presley and his swiveling hips. If we don't do something about this, we'll be facing Armageddon.

B

Pet Peeve of the Day:
Nonsensical "laws" that serve no purpose other than to stifle personal expression. For example, did you know that it is illegal to form your index finger and thumb into the shape of a gun and point it at the insane asshole who just put your life in peril through an act of reckless driving? Apparently, that's considered a death threat. The PO-lice (that was for you, Christian) will literally hunt you down and throw you in jail for brandishing a finger gun. LAME! After all, most people employ the finger gun gesture while passing the insane asshole. I mean, you're never going to escape him/her unless you get in front. Mom taught me that. So, if you're in front with said insane asshole following behind you, how can you possibly be expected to act on your "threat"? Unless you have the magical power to shoot real bullets out of your index finger (how cool would that be?!), you would have to stalk this spaz to a stopping point and use a real gun. You cannot stalk a person who is behind you. Therefore, this "law" is useless. Those of us who are prone to road rage have one less healthy outlet. Great!