Illegal Spelling at Legal Aid

I used to have the world's best downstairs neighbor. Were we friends? No. Acquaintances? Uh, nope. Did we ever speak even one word to each other? Certainly not. In fact, I couldn't pick this woman out of a lineup if my life depended on it. My one and only glimpse of her was of her back as she walked into her apartment in the dark. And I wouldn't recognize her voice because I never heard it. Not even once. She was completely silent -- all the time. That's why I loved her. That's why I currently miss her so desperately. Since she moved out (whenever that was), I've acquired a new downstairs neighbor -- or should I say eight new downstairs neighbors? Yes, that's right. Your eyes are not deceiving you. Three adults and five children have moved into the one-bedroom apartment just below mine ... and I definitely know they're there.

As I feverishly worked on a particularly difficult section of my client's thesis -- hoping to get it back to him by this evening -- one of the many children down below began to scream. Sure, I love my peace and quiet, but I'm actually pretty cool about the neighborhood kids screaming and running around in the courtyard during daylight hours. They're kids. They need to play. (I know. That's very magnanimous of me.) But this boy wasn't just screaming. He was screaming bloody murder. Over and over and over again. And he was about to get his wish, because the sound was enough to inspire bloody murder in me. He must have screamed like that for a good ten minutes. And for no particular reason, as far as I could tell. So, I walked outside and yelled at him from my balcony to stop screaming. But he couldn't hear me over his screaming. It took quite some time for me to gain his attention. And when he finally stopped to take a breath and heard me, he shut up ... because, as we all know, kids are scared of me. Hoorah! Colleen was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop him, since he doesn't appear to speak English, but I assured her that I can say "shut up" in Spanish just as well as I can say it in English. I may not be able to say anything else (like where's the bathroom, thank you, hello, or I like you), but I can say that. In any case, it worked. And Colleen was grateful ... as well as amused.

"You know," Colleen said, "there are eight people living down there now."
"Are you kidding me?!" I exclaimed. "In a one-bedroom?"
"Yeah. Five kids and three adults."
"Is that even legal?" I asked, sure there had to be a health code against it or something.
"I don't think so," she replied with a thoughtful look.
"Well, I'm going back inside. I have to get back to work."

But did I get back to work? What do you think? Instead, I typed "occupants of a one-bedroom apartment in santa clara county" into the Google search bar and found myself at the Legal Aid website. If these people continue to be disruptive, I want some leverage. Can you blame me?

And then I saw it.

Under the Housing / Fair Housing tab, in the Dos and Don'ts section: "Do wright down." No. Freakin'. Way. The fact that I once saw a similar error on my jury duty summons was bad enough. I could NOT let this pass.

What? You think I'm joking? Exaggerating? Well ... I can see how you would think that. I know me even better than you do. So, here's the proof: http://www.legalaidsociety.org/housing.html

Well, obviously, I went to the "Contact Us" link and wrote them a kind but firm email entitled "Embarrassing spelling error on your site." And I really hope they take it as seriously as they should. Grievous public spelling errors do not inspire confidence in clients or backers. I mean, really. Do you want legal advice from a person who can't spell the simplest of common words? I certainly don't. That's why I won't let my sister be my lawyer. Hee hee hee.

As I understand it, here in this great nation, any person can sue any other person for any reason. That's a lot of anys. That's a lot of freedom. So, I'm thinking about suing Legal Aid for illegal spelling. Then again, it would be just my luck if their knowledge of the law happened to surpass their knowledge of the basic rules of spelling. Not that I'm counting on that. The documentation they put together for the trial might be riddled with horrendous language errors, but it just might make some real legal sense. So, perhaps I'll hold off for now. If they ignore my email, however, I just might reconsider. And if Bridget can pass my spelling test, I just might allow her to represent me ... and the English language.

Meanwhile, on my way to Barnes and Noble after work this afternoon, while stopped at a red light, I observed an old ice cream truck emblazoned with blue and pink letters: "Popsicles, Banana Split, Nachos, Sundaes." Hmm... One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn't belong. Apparently, here in lovely Santa Clara County, you can not only find your legal advice spelled illegally, you can also buy your nachos off an ice cream truck. It's no wonder we've got so much overcrowding. Who wouldn't want to live here?

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream ... and nachos!

I'll keep you up-to-date on my blog posts via my Facebook status updates. Never fear. And be expecting to see more and more of said updates. I've started carrying a tiny notepad around with me so that I can jot down hilarious and/or disturbing events in my day-to-day life. This way, I don't forget all the funny stuff before I can write it out for you. I've got quite a list going already. And none of it is included in this post. You're welcome.

Stay tuned.

B

P.S. -- It's been a long time since I've read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," but I do recall that he winds up dead in the end. It could have been a wolf, but I'd be willing to bet that kid was actually murdered by a disgruntled neighbor who was sick of his constant screaming. I think I might annonymously leave a Spanish copy of that story on my new neighbors' patio. Unless that seems threatening. Hmm.

Pet Peeve of the Day:
Minivans. 'Nuff said.