Sincere and Humble Apologies

I know, I know. It's been so long since I've updated this blog that I had actually forgotten my password and had to go through a complicated song and dance to reset it. In other words, I've learned my lesson. I must update more frequently. And I do most humbly aplogize to those of you who have been checking for a new post. I suck ... and I know it.

Why now? Well, it's quite simple, really. I have about 12 loads of laundry that absolutely must be washed today, a kitchen filled to overflowing with dirty dishes (to the point where I am literally eating out of tupperware containers), and a floor covered in confetti, courtesy of Hank and Ollie. You see, if I leave any paper within reach -- receipts, wrapping paper, a list of Excel instructions Tony wrote out for me, Netflix envelopes, or important student loan documents (yeah, that's my favorite, too) -- Hank and Ollie will, without fail, snatch them and shred them to pieces while I'm at work ... or the store ... or Colleen's place ... or, come to think of it, sitting on the couch. Man, those critters have no shame. Or fear. Anywho, that should be an hours-long vacuuming marathon. So, as you can see, I have many important chores to complete today. And you know me -- ever the procrastinator. Aren't you lucky?

But it's only Saturday. You're wondering, I'm sure, why I don't just put these chores off until tomorrow. Well, I will be getting up at the ungodly hour of 5:00am to take my mom on a surprise birthday trip with my dad, sisters, and brothers-in-law. I expect to spend the entire day with them and, therefore, not with my laundry and dishes. Hooray! And no, Mom, I will not provide my readers/cult members with any clues or hints as to the nature of said surprise trip ... because I know you're one of them. Nice try, though.

So, it's been about two months since I started my new job ... and I completely love it. I am so happy! My co-workers are amazing and super smart; my boss totally rocks; the casual environment is so much more casual than, say, the beach; the Nerf wars are frequent and fierce; and it's publishing. Come on, people, publishing! Oh, and Greg did get those neck tattoos he's been dreaming of for so long. They look pretty good, too. There are three in total: one behind each ear and one dead center on the back of his neck. Interestingly, the one behind his right ear is of a strange character he used to draw as a child. But I digress ...

Each Wednesday, we gather in the center of the room (yes, the whole company works in one huge room) for the weekly meeting. This past Wednesday, the head honcho said the following: "Things are weird right now, they've always been a little bit weird, and they're always going to be weird. Right?" And that pretty much sums it up. My company is extremely weird ... but in a good way.

Some things I've learned in the past two months:

- Flip-flops and tennis shoes are the norm around this place -- that is, when footwear is used at all. Feel free to walk around the office in your socks or even barefoot. Most people do.

- Combat participation in the daily Nerf wars (darts, dart guns, and dart cannons) is required. These wars take place throughout the day but are especially fierce around 4:30pm.

- At least one type of alcoholic beverage will be discussed (usually at great length) at each weekly Content Coordinator meeting.

- Everyone will be provided a free lunch once a month. Minimum.

- If you want to get on everyone's good side, bring in a treat and place it at the "Little Debbie Shrine." This shrine, decorated with many Little Debbie brand boxes and pictures, is located next to the copy machine.

- If you're cold, feel free to bring in your Snuggie and wear it around the office all day. You won't be the only one.

- What's with that giant, eight-foot-tall, inflatable totem pole 30 feet from my desk? I've never quite been able to figure that one out.

- The Content department eats lunch together (like a big, loving family) every Wednesday. Next week is a potluck at the only remaining picnic table in the back yard of the vacant building next door. We broke the other one three weeks ago. Oops! Good thing our company owns most of the buildings on the block.

- Sometimes, the Content Developers (writers) like to create original homework problems featuring YOU! I have seen my name in a problem already. WOO! Ah, to be famous.

- If you happen to work in the Support department (which I do not, thankfully), try not to leave your desk unattended for more than one or two days. If you do, don't be surprised if you come back and find that a toilet has replaced your desk chair ... or someone has turned your work space into a mock cemetery ... or some other outlandish prank. Those Support people are off the hook. Can't be trusted. But the customers love them!

- June is beard month. If you're a guy (or a very talented and hormonally-challenged girl), you may compete in a contest to grow the most interesting beard. Man, you should have seen all the shagginess going on last month. It was truly something to behold!

- It is not at all uncommon for employees to wander around the office passing out food to everyone. This week, I was offered cookies, peanut brittle, and popcorn.

- And the best thing of all: summer hours. If you work one extra hour Monday through Thursday, you can leave on Friday at 12:30pm. Boy, do I love summer hours!!! It's just like a long weekend every week. And I get to do this until September 3rd.

I know there are many, many more weird things that go on at my company, but I can't seem to think of any right now. When I do, though, I'll be sure to write all about them. You know, this place could have it's own sitcom. It totally could.

Meanwhile, my boss (Andy) spent a good 15 minutes of our weekly 30-minute meeting talking to me about his cat. Turns out she has the same exact intestinal disorder that Hank has! What a coincidence. She does not, however, have the bleeding eyes food allergy. Poor Hank. He's such a horror movie freak show. Anyway, Andy was really upset about it. He loves that cat. And now it looks like, on top of the Crohn's Disease, she has also come down with Diabetes. She's guzzling down water like it's going out of style and then peeing all over his house. At least I'm fortunate enough not to have pissers. Of course, the constant vomitting and occasional bleeding eyes aren't that great, either. But I'm still glad they're not pissers; that's worse.

It sure is nice to be surrounded by cat people!

For the 4th of July, we got a fully paid half day, a three-day weekend, and a table full of patriotic cupcakes with real whipped cream frosting. Patriotic, you ask? Yes, each cupcake had been decorated with red and blue star-shaped sprinkles and airbrushed with red and blue food coloring. At first, we were all really excited. After that first cupcake, though, we came to a startling realization. That food coloring appeared to have permanently dyed our hands and faces. Not that that stopped us. So, for the rest of the day, we all wandered around with blue lips and red fingers. Or vice versa. Looks like HR pulled a pratical joke on us. And I thought they only did that sort of thing in Support!

Dang, it's only been an hour. Well, I suppose I've tarried here long enough. It's now time for me to find yet another activity by which to avoid my chores. I'm positive I will regret it later, but, for now, I just want to relax and enjoy my weekend. Is that really too much to ask? Even if I have been doing it for the past two months?

Again, I'm sorry for the delay. I'll try really hard not to let it get so out of hand next time. I know, I know. Famous last words.

B

Pet Peeve of the Day:
People who write intensely personal messages in their Facebook status updates or elsewhere online. Fictional example: I just discovered my brother kissing my sister, and I feel like my whole world is ending. He was mine! This sort of thing (well, okay, not exactly this sort of thing, but ... similar things) make me extremely uncomfortable. This is what is meant by airing your dirty laundry in public. Is it really necessary for every friend and acquaintance to know your innermost personal issues? I, for one, don't want to know. Please stop forcing me to hide your updates. How about writing about your weekend plans? Your favorite TV show? Something funny that happened at work today? An oddball news story you recently read? Anything but how miserable your boyfriend/girlfriend makes you or what one of our mutual friends said to hurt your feelings. That sort of thing is just not cool. Who's with me?